My Weird Home “Issues”

So, after moving into and out of many, many places, I have compiled a short list of (apparently) weird “things” I have about kids, pets, cleaning, and decorating. Apparently, most normal people feel either the complete opposite about these issues, or don’t even think of them at all. But here they are…

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Me, judging myself over my weird house rules…

  1. I hate “shit”. Don’t bring shit to my house and leave it there. Mostly I mean “collectibles” AKA tchotchkes, ornaments, and anything else that serves no purpose except to be “decorative”…ESPECIALLY if it comes from the dollar store.
  2. I hate tables. Ok, not -all- tables. I recognize we need some tables, somewhere in the house. My GM-approved locations for tables are A- Kitchen/Dining Room B-Next to the bed, so you can put your glasses and phone down while you sleep. We may also have a desk for a computer. That’s it. I hate coffee tables, “end tables”, multiple “eating tables” (either eat in the kitchen OR in the dining room) My reasoning? Tables collect crap. They collect mail, flyers and magazines that will be read “later”, they collect food wrappers, used dishes, toys, and so many other things. I hate cleaning, so having one more thing to clear off is torture.
  3. If the sink is manageable, I will wash my dish and put it in the drainer. If there is a single other dish in the sink, I will say “screw it, It’s a lost cause” and then rapidly fill the sink with nasty used dishes.
  4. I hate “inspirational messages” (that are totally non-ironic) Those stupid magnets/plaques that say “Family is the heartbeat of the world” or “Home is where you come to be yourself” get SO on my nerves.
  5. Stand up when you get off the couch. For some god forsaken reason, the couch cushions That I currently have, are DESPERATE to leave home and forge a new path of their own. And I have many people in my life who are kind enough to help them out…by SLIDING off of the couch instead of standing up. Then they walk away. They don’t turn around to check if they’ve unknowingly granted independence to a cushion…but it stares defiantly at me until I get up myself and put it in it’s place.
  6. My kid’s rooms must be cleaned…my room…MUST look like a laundry bomb went off. I have 2 kids, so all of the laundry I do is their clothes, blankets, and towels. Which is why i have so much laundry piled up all over my room. Luckily, my 7 year old hasn’t started going “If my room has to be cleaned…why doesn’t yours?” because I have no answer for that…sorry girly, I have no clue.
  7. Microsuede is the devil. Those couch cushions from #5? I’m pretty sure they’re running away from the dirt and stains on the couch. I could spend ALL DAY cleaning the damn thing, and if I look at it the wrong way, it’s disgusting again. I have no words.
  8. Sentimentality has no place in this house. Yeah, I’m probably boring, and a terrible mom for this one…but sentimentality is for photos. On the wall…up off of tables, out of drawers, and pretty much banned from anywhere that takes up actual space. I don’t care if that’s the t shirt you wore when you won your first spelling bee…GTFO. Also goes for “it’s broken” which may also include “batteries wore out…but I know for a FACT we will continue to forget to put batteries in it”
  9. The more dishes I own…the more dishes I will allow to get dirty after use. I have had to consolidate dishes multiple times because I didn’t have any more room in or on the sides of the sink for them to sit after they were done being used. I also hate tupperware. I don’t hate leftovers…just the things used to keep them from spoiling. in my mind, they’re wastes of space, and they don’t get clean…ever. God forbid you put tomato sauce of any kind in there. It just gets gross.
  10. Holiday decorating is not for indoors. The less stuff I have to pack up after any given holiday, the better. Exception: Christmas. My family celebrates Christmas so we have a tree, and stockings. But that’s it. If I can keep my holiday decorations to 2 boxes per holiday…I’m golden. (I have Valentines/St Patrick/Easter/Patriotic all in one box…I’d say I’m that good…but I really just don’t decorate the interior of my house.)

There you have it. Ripe for your judging.

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